Today I’m a Writer…

A topic that has been banging around in my mind as of late, gained support from two other bloggers today.

Both Alana Monroe and JulieAnn’s voice proved to me that I am not alone.

My dilemma? Faith in my writing capability.

I know what you’re thinking, “There goes yet another writer bemoaning her abilities blah blah blah.” But if we can’t complain to each other than what’s the point of being out here at all?

Here’s the crux of my situation. There are days I wake up and don’t even need to acknowledge my inner literary spirit for I already know what rests therein: “YOU ARE A WRITER, NO QUESTION!” On those days I just go about my routine in a pleasant happy-go-lucky confident and purposeful way.

Then there are other days when I agonize over the thought, “WHAT THE HELL HAVE I BEEN DOING ALL THESE YEARS?”

I know we all have our self-doubts, an enemy that is “a bitch” as Alana points out. And I know many times I am able to overcome it. But recently, I marveled again at how easily I can lose my footing.

I’ve entered a writing contest. I am not going to go into detail about it as I always feel there is a little “jinxing” going on as soon as I admit to tackling such a challenge.

What I will say is that I have spent a good part of January working on my entry. I have started five versions of the same idea and thought I was on my way to something meaningful. That’s when I hit an impasse.

Fortunately I am blessed with one of the most honest, harshest, insightful editor/critics at my disposal: my husband. Being the life-long reader that he is has granted him the uncanny ability to cut through a directionless and/or weak narrative, and uncover the yellow brick road.

I have to admit when I asked him to read my entry last weekend, I panicked. It was like being edited by a professional publishing house. Then when he shared his thoughts, I was left disheartened.

Sometimes I find as confident as I am in my writing ability there are moments when I just can’t see what is at the heart of something. It’s like my mind gets cluttered with too many ideas at once that I can’t keep up and in the end, the story falls flat.

Well I was left for a couple of days weakened and lost, feeling I had wasted the past three weeks. I felt like I was never going to find my way back to anything substantial. And then… last night, it happened: a tiny little seed took root back in my brain. I went to the computer and the ideas resumed their flow.

Now whether or not this seed can blossom into anything worthy of note is another matter entirely.

But as my husband reassuringly pointed out, at worst, this activity has allowed me to re-evaluate my skills. It has assisted me in keeping to a tight deadline and word count. It has made me aware of the necessity to analyse each and every line, paragraph and thought to assess their value to the whole.

And so today, I feel like a Writer again. And maybe we’ll just see where that goes.

peekiequeen c. Tues. Jan. 28, 2014