Lost in Fog
Today I don’t feel like a writer.
I know I write and I love to write and frankly I don’t know what else I can do since it is so ingrained in me. But I’m starting to have serious doubts in my ability.
This post isn’t even worthy of a NOVEL UPDATE.
Have you ever felt like you’re going through the motions just because that’s all you know how to do?
Doubt has arisen because in my current manuscript editing, working with my editor, I am finding it very difficult to get to that “perfect” or close to perfect stage where I know what she’s asking of me and can successfully fulfill the request.
Writers need to be pushed. I get that. We all need that shove in order to see what we’re made of, what we’ve got inside of us that needs to get out.
But can eloquence and ease be attained?
I have been writing since forever, which says something because I’m only in my early 40’s. So really that isn’t a lifetime, but it feels like it.
Yet, when doubts arise in the very skill that is interwoven in the thread of your being, when your talent is being tested, it’s pretty damn scary.
Right now I’m a mess of verbs and character un-development, a shakey point of view and an unclear voice.
I think I know what is required of me. I am working hard at achieving my goal but I question whether I can actually succeed.
Maybe it’s a matter of being a lone writer for so many years, composing works that were never shared with the world, that falsely propped me up into believing I was so “brilliant.” Maybe the truth is that I’m only now discovering that perhaps I really am not as brilliant as I had imagined.
Or maybe I’m just scared at working hard? Being pushed? Tested?
Don’t get me wrong. My editor is fantastic. She knows her stuff. Her critiques are not unfounded. I just need to swallow my pride and allow myself to be directed.
I know at the end of this journey I may look back and chuckle at my long arduous struggle, all my questions and uncertainties. But right now… there’s a heck of a lot of fog in my way.
Paula Antonello Moore, Writing & Thoughts. Copyright: Tuesday, December 1, 2015
Gif: Tom Hanks from You’ve Got Mail. Source: Giphy